The Shocking Secret Truth About The Math CULT!

You’ve seen them.  They go around trying to corner you so they can tell you all about their religion.  They seem like such decent, ordinary people, and they certainly offer easy answers.  They’re math nerds.

And they’re idiots.  They’ll tell you all about numerators and denominators, but their strange theology goes far deeper than that.  After the professional proselytizers get you to agree that the most important things in life are the “first principles and ordinances of the gospel”–addition, subtraction, division, and multiplication–they’ll invite you to their Sunday services, where people who could be your own next-door neighbors will reverently delve into their sacred textbooks and study things like “algebra” and “geometry.”

But there are things they don’t tell you about until it’s too late.  They don’t tell you about…Imaginary numbers!  Binary numeral systems!  Differential calculus!

Clearly, they’re just making all this stuff up.  It even sounds made up.  The next time some guy at work asks if you’d like to come to a math class with him on Sunday, ask him if he knows that Euclid was a mysterious philosopher whose great “scriptural” book, Elements, doesn’t even account for all known forms of geometry.  Watch his head spin!  Ha!  That’ll show him!  Obviously this Euclid was a con artist just looking to make an easy buck and get girls.

Ask them to explain their doctrine of “algorithms” and chuckle softly in your superiority as they attempt to weave a web of mumbo-jumbo about ongoing discoveries and revelations.  Look, if they can’t give you a clear cut history of algorithms, then all this “simple arithmetic” stuff is pure bunk, too.  That just makes sense. 

Don’t even get me started on the ridiculous idea of “pi.”  C’mon, a number that goes on forever?  How gullible do you think we are?  I guess some of this nonsense offers comfort to people and has helped to control the masses, but it’s so dumb.  I’m not “repenting” for playing the lottery “despite the odds” or not balancing my checkbook or anything else just because of 3.1415…whatever. 

The truth is, most devout math nerds don’t know the unsavory details of their cult’s origins.  Those poor, deluded fools are wasting their time, little suspecting that it’s all a conspiracy that’s being covered up by the “Brethren” of the faculty at their main “temple”: M.I.T.  They know it’s all a lie, but they hide the proof so that nobody can find out if math is true or not on their own.

Your well meaning math friends might now try to explain that it’s just the opposite, that math teachers show you how to prove their claims on your own, and put them to constructive use in your own life.  They’ll throw out foggy psychobabble like “axiom” and “postulate” and “theorem,” but that’s all just more lies.  Math is based on blind faith!  It’s not like any of these high priest “mathematicians” ever produced a shred of real evidence for the validity of math.  What suckers.

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Note: this satire makes more sense if the reader is familiar with some of the breathtaking leaps in logic taken by glib critics of the LDS Church.  Brush up on the zaniness here