An Easy Template For Your Next Angry Rant Against the Mormon Church

It’s tough out there for a progressive Mormon these days. Reacting with horrified indignation on the Internet to current events has nearly become a full-time job! It’s almost enough to make one re-examine one’s passionately believed liberal assumptions. Almost.

But before you do something drastic like that, here’s how to deal with the exhaustion of always needing to rant online. After all, there are only so many synonyms for “sad” that you can dredge up in the service of your public moral vanity.

Just use this easy, user-friendly template for your next angry tirade against the LDS Church. It’ll even work for those trendy new rants that poorly veil their murmuring under the guise of being diplomatically disappointed.

Here it is:

I am (outraged / shocked / depressed) by the recent event in the LDS Church that everyone’s talking about. It (sickens / offends / discourages) my sensitive and compassionate conscience. Once again our leaders have shown themselves to be (out of touch / tone deaf / afraid of change / consistently faithful to their calling).

When will the Church finally (evolve / wake up / get with the times / become as good as I am)? And when will they finally start thinking about all the (minorities / non-Mormons / children / sensitive and compassionate progressives)? When?!

Don’t they know that this is the last straw and that oodles and scads of people are now (leaving the Church / not joining the Church / speaking out against the Church / scribbling stale criticisms online for cheap social capital)?

How do I know the Church is wrong on this issue? I’ll tell you: (insert string of logical fallacies here; begging the question, straw man, reductio ad absurdum, ad hominem, and false analogy work especially well). The Church’s stance on this one issue is obviously (a radical conspiracy by old white men / inspired by some conservative politician my friends and I don’t like / based on decades if not centuries of doctrinal precedent).

Now that the Church has thrust us into a dark age we will have just have to hunker down and patiently (wait for change / pray for our leaders’ enlightenment / waste time showing off online / seek faith while quietly serving others).

Hopefully I’ll never have to write anything negative about the Church again. (NOTE: when posting this in future years, remember to use updated references to whichever Church leader / social conservative / Republican politician is being called stupid by the media at that time. You don’t want your rants to start sounding predictable!)

Advertisements

One comment on “An Easy Template For Your Next Angry Rant Against the Mormon Church

  1. I noticed what appears to be a response by the LDS church to these rants: a featured link on the home page, “4 Principles to Get On the Road of Faith and Obedience”, with a link to Carole Stephens’ Conference talk, “If Ye Love Me, Keep My Commandments”.

    Your handy template also reminded me of something from The Millennial Star and turn-of-the-century apostle Williard Richards:

    “Jesus offered to redeem all who would repent and keep a celestial law; Lucifer, a younger brother, offered to save all; Jesus’ offer was accepted by the Father and Lucifer’s was rejected; and yet Lucifer’s proposition appeared so plausible, so much more liberal, noble, benevolent, and kind-hearted, that one-third part of the sons of God believed it and joined Lucifer’s standard. That was what made division in heaven and war followed; Lucifer, with one-third of the spirits of heaven, which he drew around him by his sophistry and false philanthropy, declared war against Jesus and the two-thirds that rallied round His standard to maintain the truth; and they fought until Lucifer and his followers were overcome and cast out of heaven, even unto the earth, and were cursed with this curse, even that they should not receive unto themselves bodies on the earth, like the two-thirds who maintained their integrity and fought by the side of Jesus.

    “This curse came through imbibing and exercising a false spirit, a sympathizing spirit, a spirit that will sympathize with misery or punishment, when misery is justly due by punishment. Lucifer made his followers believe that he was a far more tender-hearted and merciful being than Jesus, and got all he could to help him sympathize for the miseries that must follow the abominable crimes of man on the earth, and they want it for salvation anyhow, right or wrong; they were so good, so holy, and so benevolent they could not do otherwise.
    “There are multitudes of just such benevolent souls on the earth at the present day.”

    I highly recommend the whole essay, reprinted at http://www.mormonchronicle.com/you-didnt-know-you-were-possessed/

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s