THE ADVENTURES OF EMJEN
Episode 38: EmJen vs. the Priestcrafter!
[Voice over] We join our courageous hero in her secret lair, the FORTRESS OF ATTITUDE, as she watches a slimy villain, DEVIL D. RANT, on a screen.
DEVIL: I encourage everyone to elevate their thoughts by studying the scriptures.
EMJEN: Oh no! My superhero senses are going off! I feel like evil’s afoot!
[EmJen’s sidekick, BLOG R. NACLE, rushes to her side]
BLOGGY: What’s going on?
EMJEN: The vile propaganda spewed by that heinous monster on the screen has set off my evil detector!
BLOGGY: Really? I thought the message was nice. I was actually inspired to do better by it. I thought–
[EmJen slaps Bloggy upside the head]
EMJEN: Foolish creature! Only an enlightened higher being like myself would see through those warm words of wisdom and automatically think to go looking for the awful truth beneath it!
BLOGGY: Really? That’s your instinct? You hear a motivational talk and your reaction is to go digging for dirt? That sounds like a reckless witch hunt to me.
[EmJen punches Bloggy in the face]
EMJEN: Hey, who’s in charge here, you or ME? Now, to the lab!
[Voice over] In her lab at the offices of a certain news outlet, EmJen has assumed her alter ego of EMILY: MILD MANNERED GIRL REPORTER. She hunches over a keyboard, bespectacled eyes staring at a small screen. Bloggy stands by her side.
EMJEN: Aha! I’ve found it! That nice inspiring talk you liked so much, Bloggy? It was actually a front for a huge scam! Devil is going to brainwash the masses so he can make himself rich. Just as I always suspected, he’s one of the PRIESTCRAFTERS!
BLOGGY: Really? Devil, a priestcrafter? I know you’re obsessed with finding traces of this conspiracy everywhere, but finding it here and now seems pretty convenient. What’s your evidence?
EMJEN: Right here! See? His son recently set up a website to sell merchandise featuring a catch word from his talk!
BLOGGY: Really? That’s it? That equals priestcraft in your book? Did Devil in any way direct people to this website or merchandise?
BLOGGY: Was the website advertising widely?
EMJEN: It doesn’t look like it.
BLOGGY: Was the catch word even trademarked, so they could control the profit?
EMJEN: No. Actually, he didn’t invent the word, so that wouldn’t have been an option.
BLOGGY: But if this was about making money, wouldn’t he have made up a new word so that he could trademark it? *sigh* What merchandise was this family looking to sell and get rich on, anyway?
EMJEN: [long pause] T-shirts.
BLOGGY: T-shirts! That’s it? Let me get this straight: you find a man quietly selling t-shirts to help promote his father’s idea to encourage scripture study, and you immediately accuse him of priestcraft, a strong term that implies using religion as an excuse for living off the money of others, something which obviously doesn’t apply here. Or do you truly think this man thought his son’s t-shirt idea was going to make them all millionaires?
EMJEN: [another long pause] They also sell rubber bracelets.
BLOGGY: [face palm]
EMJEN: Enough of this balanced, nuanced, benefit-of-the-doubt giving! He’s obviously evil, and it’s up to ME, EMJEN, online hero, to courageously brave this peril in public, so I can bravely get the public credit for exposing this sinister abomination!
[EMJEN flies up, up, and away…then comes back]
EMJEN: Also, you’re not a very good sidekick, are you?
[EMJEN punches BLOGGY in the throat, then flies away to combat evil]
[Voice over] We now join our heroic hero as she heroically sneaks into DEVIL D. RANT’s headquarters, CON FOR US CENTER.
EMJEN: Aha! I have you now, evil villain of vile villainy!
D. RANT: Hello. I heard you had some concerns, and I’m glad you’ve decided to approach me, rather than take advantage of this for cheap social capital. I wish you would have called ahead, but since you’re here, please allow me to address your worries.
EMJEN: Fat chance, evil doer! You can’t trick me with your patient kindness or your kind patience! I’m here to destroy you and your outrageously helpful, practical message!
D. RANT: But I’m sure we can resolve this if–
[EMJEN uses her ultimate super power, GOING PREMATURELY NUCLEAR, to vaporize D. RANT]
EMJEN: Whew! After a long and fair battle, I have vanquished my foe, who was clearly a super master overlord of the Priestcrafters. Yes, it is I, the great EmJen, who have risked so much and fought so hard to save the good, defenseless people of this world.
[BLOGGY crawls in, holding his throat tenderly]
BLOGGY: Really? “Defenseless?” Isn’t that insulting to the “good people of this world?” It sounds like you think they’re a bunch of empty-headed sheep who would have gladly thrown mountains of cash at the feet of a charismatic scammer, in return for a t-shirt and a rubber bracelet, all under the apparent guise of building communities of effective scripture study, which you’ve now tainted. Isn’t that the awful evil here?
[EMJEN shoots BLOGGY with her CANON OF SANCTIMONY]
EMJEN: Also, you say “Really” way too much.
[Many of the like-minded crowd in to congratulate EMJEN on yet another major victory in her war against evil.]
EMJEN: Yes, thank you, you’re welcome. I give my blessing to you all.
[Voice over] Join us next week for our most dramatic episode yet: EMJEN VS. THE APOLOGISTER!