Movies So Bad They’ve Never Been Released On DVD?

I guess what got me thinking about this is all those huge bargain bins of cheap DVD’s at Wal Mart.  I see a few hundred just dumped in there and labelled “two for five dollars,” and I have to wonder, was there really that much of a market for Brad Pitt’s pathetic 1992 Roger Rabbit rip-off, Cool World (a movie I remember at all only because of David Bowie’s pretty decent title song) in the first place?

So I decided to try to see if any of the movies I could remember were so bad, so heinously, awfully unpopular, they had never even been released on DVD at all.  I mean, if Nuns on the Run can somehow manage to thrive on DVD, then just how sad would it be for some other movie to not even make the cut? 

Here are the ones I tried:

whoopiTheodore Rex

Summary: Never saw it, because I try not to watch movies that are obviously terrible, but the commercial I saw once in 1996 left permanent damage on my brain, so I’ll never forget this puerile story of hip police detective Whoopi Goldberg teamed up with…a dinosaur.  (Characters in dinosaur costumes were all the rage for a while after the success of Jurassic Park.) 

Amazon.com sales rank: 28, 940.  Out of 97 items listed for Whoopi Goldberg (she’s made 97 movies?), this one comes in at #38. 

Rotten Tomatoes score: N/A

Apparently, there’s a thriving subculture that feeds on sassy actresses trading banter with flash-in-the-pan puppets.

 

spacedSpaced Invaders

Summary: Yet another 80’s movie about a kid and aliens, this one, coming out in 1990, was fairly late getting on board the bandwagon.  The “twist” here, however, was that these aliens were…wait for it…clueless!  Hilarity ensued. 

Amazon sales rank: 14,135.  Seriously?

Rotten Tomatoes score: 10%

Hmmm.  I’ll have to try harder.

 

mastersMasters of the Universe

Summary: He-Man travels through dimensions to stop Skeletor from either destroying or enslaving the Earth.  I forget which. 

Amazon.com sales rank:  2,436.  Wow, my bad movies are actually getting more popular.  Shoot. 

Rotten Tomatoes score: 13%

OK, OK, so this was a bad call on my part.  Clearly, there’s some 80’s nostalgia at work here for a lot of folks. 

Yada, yada, yada, I tried Remo Williams, I tried Big Top Pee Wee, I tried Robot Jox and Solarbabies.  All available on DVD.

Man, just how stinkin’ bad does a movie have to be before someone says, “You know, I think the world could live without this one being upgraded and re-released on the latest technology”?

I was thinking about this on Friday afternoon when, suddenly, the local news on TV in the background caught my attention.  Apparently, pro wrestling legend Hulk Hogan is in some kind of legal trouble. 

And the heavens clave in twain, and a chorus of the angelic host sang as the light descended from on high. 

200px-noholdsbarred6pcNo Holds Barred

Summary: In his 1989 film debut, Hulk Hogan steps way out of the ol’ comfort zone to play a pro wrestler who…get this…goes after a bad guy!  Well, of course he does.  What else would he do?  Even as an adolescent, I recall this movie as being full of clichés, hokey dialogue, silly facial gestures, and the kind of jaw-droppingly nonsensical coincidences one expects from cartoons.  And not even the good cartoons.

Amazon.com sales rank: N/A

Rotten Tomatoes score: 0%

Yes!  Victory!  Success at long last!  Finally, a movie whose total paucity of value has rendered it unworthy of even being released on DVD! 

Now, if only I had thought of Cool As Ice first…

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5 comments on “Movies So Bad They’ve Never Been Released On DVD?

  1. Tread lightly, Huston. Courtney Cox, Dolph Lundgren, and the Oscar Nominated Frank Langella as Skeletor would not be pleased with your inclusion of Masters of the Universe.

    Drop Dead Fred, more appropriate. Which can be had for 40 bucks…

  2. Davis, if you really want to have some laughs, get some friends together for a screening of 1986’s Howard the Duck. Ever see MST3K? Here’s your chance to join the fun!

    Steve, I certainly won’t dispute the thespian qualities of Dolph “I Come In Peace” Lundgren, but pumping up a cast by dropping the ol’ “Oscar nominated” bit just doesn’t cut it. Have we forgotten so soon that the great Jeremy Irons was an accomplice to 2000’s gut-wrenchingly awful Dungeons and Dragons? Unlike Drop Dead Fred (great catch, by the way!), that one hasn’t gone out of print yet, but let’s be honest, it’s only a matter of time…

    Speaking of Lundgren, that brings up another movie for my list: I Come In Peace was never released on DVD! Oh well, we’ll always have Rocky IV.

  3. Pee Wee Herman is awesome and not only deserves to be available on DVD, but should come with its own pedestal so that buyers can sit before it and wonder at its majesty, etc. Clearly you are as clueless as the spaced invaders when it comes to movie taste. Ha.

    Honestly you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned nostalgia. Some of the movies you thought would be woefully unpopular are popular because people remember them from when they were little. You should have been able to use some common sense and realized that the same crowd that won’t let The Ninja Turles, Thundercats and The Transformers go would also never let go of He-Man.

    I have this nostalgia for Pee Wee Herman, all things Batman (particularly Adam West) and classic Disney films.

  4. Thanks, Automaton. So, does Tron count as a classic Disney film? Hmmm, too easy, what with the sequel.

    What about The Black Hole? Now, THERE’S a creepy, obscure Disney classic. Also, The Watcher in the Woods.

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