Gently Hew Stone

On the plus side, at least the federal government is finally taking the threat of an imminent zombie invasion seriously.  Today, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, America’s last line of defense in a public health emergency, posted advice on their blog about preparing for the fearsome outbreak, not of some flesh-eating bacteria, but of flesh-eating reanimated monsters. 

Contagion, plague, and terrorist-spread chemical weapons are all legitimate areas of concern, sure, but I think we all understand that the gravest danger (get it?) facing our nation is a rampaging army of ravenous undead. 

Unfortunately, the CDC post is pure dreck:

“If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine). It’s likely that an investigation of this scenario would seek to accomplish several goals: determine the cause of the illness, the source of the infection/virus/toxin, learn how it is transmitted and how readily it is spread, how to break the cycle of transmission and thus prevent further cases, and how patients can best be treated.”

Unless this is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, purposely bad strategy, whoever wrote this is doomed.  Has the author ever actually seen a disaster movie?  The CDC lists all the typical mistakes that timid bureaucrats make in such scenarios, resorting to the comfort of their routines, desperately trying to maintain the status quo.

They might as well just get drunk and run upstairs in high heels after saying, “I’ll be right back.” Everybody knows you don’t calmly analyze an emerging zombie outbreak–the ones who survive will be the ones who react with pragmatic fight or flight instincts.

In the CDC’s own scenario, we’ll just end up with a slightly larger zombie horde, many of them wearing white lab coats.