Many ward welfare committees have emergency preparedness plans ready to put into effect in case of some kind of disaster–earthquake, drought, house fires, etc. However, few areas of the Church are properly prepared for the imminent scourge of zombies. In order to help our brothers and sisters around the world, the following may be copied or adapted for inclusion in any emergency preparedness plan:
EMERGENCY PREPAREDNESS PLAN–ZOMBIE ATTACK
Preparation: In order to be ready to face a sudden onslaught by a cannibalistic army of the undead, the ward welfare committee will:
- Arrange for a series of regular firesides where church members and friends from the community will be invited for training in distinguishing zombies from sloppy or apathetic young people, fortifying doors and windows on short notice, stockpiling materials for those barricades, maintaining and properly using firearms for eliminating zombie aggressors, and practicing putting down unfortunate neighbors who have been bitten.
- WARNING: it is not recommended that anybody be instructed to combat zombies with fire, unless a well-trained professional has access to a flame thrower that can stop a zombie in its tracks. If you set a flesh-eating monster on fire, most of the time all you get is a flesh-eating monster who can now burn your house down, too.
- Hold a series of practice drills where people will be contacted spontaneously and expected to move immediately to their “safe place” with their family: either their own basement or the nearest church building.
- Do not use the mall as your ward’s safe place.
- HINT: the steeples of older churches make excellent nests for snipers to set up during a zombie attack.
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